I’m rebuilding this site, to start writing again. So if you are coming here, you may notice most of my old posts are gone. I’ll be bringing them back as necessary, but I’m really looking for a clean start.
You can look for me to be writing again regularly Feb. 1st. Between house guests and site building, I should have some semblance of my stuff together by then 
Rest assured, I’ve missed being here, I’ve missed you and I’m looking forward to being back.
Ever have something stewing inside of you, twisting and turning and wanting to escape? You squelch it for fear that it will be too harsh, or that you can’t phrase it and word it to do the concept justice. It continues to grow, morphing itself into this beast of thought and emotion… things everyday remind you of this.thing.that.needs.to.be.said. Until you give in. Because whether or not the idea/thought/concept/feeling is coherent to anyone but you , you have to get it out, lest it consume you.
This post is like that. It’s likely tl;dr, but I’m putting it down – if only because the final blow came this morning where a friend of mine, so emotional over what she read in this post made me think about it once again. So bear with me
People live in glass houses. I picture them at birth as bright, clear and clean. No dirt, no smudges. As their life goes on, and they live in their glass house, the glass walls become overcast by their experiences. Each new moment, each new thought and emotion, gives color and opacity to the glass. Some things add brilliant color in roses and purples like stained-glass in a country chapel. Moments of passion show up red, and of course the jealousies are green – some brilliant kerry, some dull khaki. The ugly moments leave dark smudges – smears of dirt, nicks in the glass and black tar specks on a brilliant life.
As time goes by and we live in this house, we have to look THROUGH this glass to see anything outside ourselves. The problem is as we build experiences, what we see when looking out of our house gets warped, changed by what has covered the glass. Our outsight is changed by the experiences that we’ve been through.
What does this mean?
Two things:
1. How we perceive things is never the pure truth. It can’t be. Because when looking through our own stained glass windows, everything is affected, changed, influenced by what we’ve been through in our lives. Think about it. When someone is talking about parenting, do you not immediately think about your own parents, or your own parenting style with your children? Likewise, two people, standing next to one another in each of thier respective houses, have two VERY different views of the same issue. My view is clouded by everything I’ve ever seen/thought/been through/ate/touched/smelled, just like yours is. As long as we are both looking from INSIDE our experiences, we will never see what the person next to us is seeing/going through. We can never truly understand, because their experience is influenced/changed/affected by all the experiences they’ve been through previously.
This is why when I read something like, “I’ve never been through that kind of infertility, but I don’t think it’s a big deal” or “people going through that shouldn’t feel like x, y or z”, I cringe. Who are you to tell anyone what’s a “big deal”, especially when you haven’t even been through it yourself? How can anyone tell anyone else how to feel about anything? Unless you are an identical twin of that person and you’ve NEVER been separated EVER in your entire life from then so that EVERY SINGLE experience is identical, you cannot truly EVER know how someone else feels. Feel free to have an opinion on what they DO, but don’t ever be so presumptious to tell anyone how to FEEL.
2. What I choose to say/do about my own feelings has nothing to do with you. I see it often in the online forums. Someone might say, “I think children are better off having two parents”. OK. Not necessarily true all the time. There’s certainly an argument to be made about the statement considering the growing number of children both damaged by failing marriages of two parents, and of those children flourishing in a single parent household. THAT I get. What I don’t get is the people who chime in merely with the, “why are you saying I’m a bad parent just because I’m single?” Usually, they make these statements with a great amount of hurt and anger.
But those two statements are NOT the same. “I think children are better off having two parents” is NOT AT ALL the same as “All single parents are bad”. Likewise, the person making the first statement did not reach through the interwebs, to peak at you through the magic screen of your mac/pc to review your life and make a judgement against you personally. Frankly, they probably don’t even know you exist. So why are you so offended?
Usually it seems that the people are out looking for justification of their choices, so when they find any statement which can be extrapolated to some extreme in order to offend their circumstances, they go out of their way to twist the statement to suit their aching spirits and make a fight about something that just.isn’t.there. Once that’s done, it goes downhill and fast.
Seriously, if I say, “I love chocolate chip cookies”, I am not saying that you suck if you don’t. If I say, “I prefer the term first parent because I was the first parent in my child’s life”, don’t read into that statement and be angry because you think I said, “adoptive parents are second best”. My statement had nothing to do with you. Or anyone else. Or anyone else’s sister’s cousin’s dog’s first litter. It’s a statement about ME and ME ONLY.
The point? If everyone, before speaking or replying to anything, could do one thing, we could prevent so much turmoil:
STEP OUT OF YOUR GLASS HOUSE
You heard me. Before making a statement about anything about anyone else, step out of your house and try to learn a bit more about theirs. Ask some questions. Try to empathize. You may not always agree with them, but I can guarantee you’ll find yourself a lot less angry/offended/worked up/generally unhappy if you make an honest attempt to understand as much as you can about the other person. Do not JUDGE them based on YOUR life, your experiences, YOUR HOUSE.
Understand them based on THEIR HOUSE.
Example: My soon to be sister in law is 19. She has an 18 month old, absolutely beautiful daughter. She’s young, she doesn’t have a lot of experience with babies, she’s working, going to school, trying to plan a wedding and be a good parent. You know what? She doesn’t have the benefits that I did when I first started to parent. So when I look at her and the things she does with her daughter, I CANNOT judge her based on my own experiences. I had very young siblings at her age, I’d worked with lots of children, I have lots of children. So of course, my knowledge is going to be a bit more in the child rearing department than hers. I have to look at what she’s been through, be understanding for her life and what’s in it before I start telling her what she should and should not do. I see so many parents in forums that are quick to bash people without ever asking one question. This girl is amazing – she’s been breast feeding for over a year. I think that’s great for someone her age. But I know some people that would blast her to smitherines for supplementing, attempting to wean, or not having a set bedtime.
Dude. She does the best she can with what she’s got and she’s always trying to do better. That’s what most people do. Of course, I can offer her insight, ideas and support in order to help her grow. But I have absolutely no right to judge, put down or insult her for her choices, especially ones based on what little knowledge/help she’s been given.
Where did understanding go?
Likewise, learn something about the person speaking and their intent before being offended. Make an attempt to understand what someone REALLY means and WHY they feel that way before you jump down their throat about something they absolutely did NOT say or MEAN. Granted sometimes people ARE going to say and think crappy things; but in my experience, 9 times out of 10, people do not mean what you think they mean and even more often, I find people are reading something into statements that just ISN’T there.
And the rest – the ones that still talk out their butts about things they don’t know? What does it matter if they aren’t someone in your life that YOU respect? People who choose to be ignorant will continue to remain ignorant no matter how much truth you give them. If they don’t care about you or your point of view, you can tell them all about yourself until you are blue in the face and they will still be as ignorant and uncaring as they started.
My recomendation? Make sure you fully understand their intent and words. Check your own ego – make sure you aren’t using your own personal issues as fodder to finding issue where there is none. If the offense still passes this litmus test? Make a calm, well said statement about whatever the person is totally confused/wrong/out of their mind about and then walk away. Walk away.
Trust me. In the end, you will be happier for it.
At the end of the day, that’s all we can do. Step outside our own houses. Try to be understanding of the house someone else is sitting in. Be aware of how our own experiences can cloud our judgements when it comes to communicating with others. Calmly make an attempt to change/teach/educate the ones who cannot and pick our battles very carefully, abandoning the ones that will only serve to make US miserable.
So the next time you see something that you feel the need to comment on, take a few seconds to review the above before hitting the POST or SEND key.
After all, words are timeless and what you have to say today will in fact be heard and felt the world over. Make sure it’s something you don’t mind being remembered for.
We all want to be heros in our children’s eyes. When you become a parent, there is just something that makes your chest puff up and make you happy to be you when you realize that to your kids, you are the strongest/richest/fastest/bestest person in the whole world.
Jon and I had a day like that yesterday.
Now, my kids have been around water since the day they were born. Having an indoor pool on the property at home in Ohio certainly helped their “fishdom” grow and they’ve all had swimming lessons. Colin is a very proficient swimmer and Ter and Jake can both doggie paddle, float and tred water should they ever get beyond their reach. It also helps that Jon is a certified lifeguard too. Needless to say, we spend a lot of time around the water.
We decided to go to Cocoa Beach yesterday since it was a holiday, we hadn’t been for a while and all the kids were begging. It was a great day to go. The heat was fairly mild (high 80s), the humidity was not down and due to the approaching storms/hurricanes, the surf was active. Unfortunately, since the surf was so active (due to the storms), the undertow was also pretty bad. So we instigated all the normal rules (basically, colin can’t go in past his waist and the other two, not past their thighs unless Mommy or Daddy is right with them). I set up the tent about 5 feet from water’s edge, so I could relax in the shade and still take pictures/watch the kids. It was great fun – especially for Jake. He LOVES getting washed around by the surf. He runs up to it, gets knocked down by the waves, drug back to the beach and then jumps up, covered in sand and smiling ear to ear. Literally, he will do this for 4 hours until I drag him kicking, screaming and physically exhausted back to the blanket. Yesterday was no different.
At one point in time, Jon had come back to the blanket to get a drink of water and we were sitting there, by the waters edge watching the boys. He had his eyes on Colin, who was further out, body boarding with the surfers (they were all over the place!); I was watching the little ones. I saw the big wave come up and crash over the head of Jacob. When the wave rushed back, I didn’t see Jacob where I expected to see him, but instead, his head popped up a good 10-12 feet back into the surf – a place where I knew he couldn’t reach. I saw his head pop up and down twice as he tried to find his footing and then when he couldn’t, he started spinning around (this is how he treads water when he can’t reach). Jon and I have an agreement. If we are together and one of the kids in the water needs help, I don’t move. I tell him and he goes for them. This is because he’s faster and knows how to do it and I need to stay the hell out of his way. So I said, “Jon, go get Jake” and pointed. Jon stood up and saw Jacob but I don’t think he realized the gravity of the situation. So I said in a more hurried voice, “GO NOW” (and by hurried I mean yelling).
Now for being a little overweight, I will tell you that Jon does baywatch proud. I’ve never seen him move so fast in my life. He got from my side to Jacob in less than 3 seconds, full dive into the waves and all.
He brought Jake back to the blanket and set him down next to me because according to Jon, as soon as he got to him Jake said, “take me to mommy”. *heart strings* It was nice to hear that when he was frightened, it was me he asked for. Jake was ok, not coughing or anything since he really didn’t go under, but you could tell he’d been scared. He sat, rather serious next to me, but not upset. I hugged him and looked at him and said “are you ok Jacob?”. He looked me in the eye and just said, “My Daddy saved me”. I tried to not cry and just replied, “yes, he did. And you remember that no matter what, if you need help, Mommy and Daddy will always be there to save you.”
His seriousness lasted all of about 5 minutes and was quickly replaced by a Capri Sun and piece of candy. He ran back to play in the waves as soon as Mommy’s anxiety would give in.
But for the rest of the day, Jacob wanted to tell everyone how his Daddy saved him. In the elevator at Ron Jons, he told the guy next to him, “My Daddy saved me”. To the little boy playing in the sand next to him, “My Daddy saved me”. To me when I tucked him into bed, “My daddy saved me.”
I know that Jon and I may not be there someday when Jacob needs us; but for now, I will do everything I can to make sure that doesn’t happen. And knowing that in Jake’s heart he can be secure in knowing that his daddy will save him means my world is also a little more secure today.
Because at the heart of it, isn’t that what we all want? Just to know that when push comes to shove, “my daddy will save me” and that when push comes to shove, if you are daddy (or mommy), that you can.
I have many thoughts over what has happened at Virginia Tech. We all do. But to be truthful, what I said last year on Sept. 11th is as fitting today and everyday as it was then. Please read it. Today. And every day that you need to be reminded not to let fear guide your life. Every day you need reminded to contribute to the positive life force around you instead of the negative one that threatens to take over our hearts and minds.
I will be speaking to Colin about this Tragedy. But it will not be in the way that most parents might. It will not be to warn him of the crazies in the world. It will not be to tell him what to do if a mad gun man points a hand gun in his face. It will not be to tell him to be afraid of guns or to tell him guns are ok or bad or legal or not. It will not be for any of those reasons.
It will be instead to tell him the story of heros. It will to tell him how to live his life so that if given the chance, he could be a hero. No, not because I can’t wait to lose my son. But because if my son is faced with such a scenario, I hope that he has lived his life in such a way that I hope he has no fear of dying. No regrets. No fears. I want him to be the sort of man that knows what comes after this life. The kind of man that values the lives of others. That has lived every moment he has had that he doesn’t have to fear not having another. That he knows to love those in his life enough when they are standing in front of him so that when they aren’t he won’t have to worry that they won’t know how he feels. That in a moment where he has to make life and death decisions, he can make the right one with no hesitation.
I will speak to my son about living every moment the way it’s meant to be lived. No fear. No regrets. Valuing the people and the time he’s been given for all they are worth. Saying the things he needs to say. Treating people with the love and respect they deserve in case they or he are not here tomorrow.
I will speak to my son about how I feel about him. How I feel about life. How I feel about his role in my life. So that he knows if I don’t come home from work tomorrow exactly what he’s meant to me. So there is never any doubt. So that he can live his life. No regrets. No fears.
I encourage you, as you look at this situation, as you discuss it with your family to consider HOW you approach it to your children. The points you make and the ways you use this situation can change the way they look at their own life and how they approach this world.
Choose please to create hope in them. Encourage them not to walk out into this life in fear, but in courage, hope and positivity.
Change starts with them. Please make that change a good one.
My life goals as outlined on my thirtieth birthday:
1. Recognize that the keys are in God’s hands.
2. Love everyone as if it is the last moment I have with them.
3. Value life.
4. Crave experience and learning.
5. Utilize the gifts God has given me.
6. Continue to look for the good in people.
7. Give love freely and with no expectation or confinement.
8. Be responsible.
9. Be a role model
10. Be true to myself.
11. Embrace imperfections.
12. Accept friendship.13. Wake up each day and ask myself, “What can I do today to appreciate all that God has given me? Run headfirst into this world God has set forth before me and let my children see what it truly means to live. What it truly means to love.”
9/11. This date impacts all of us in some way or another. We all remember where we were 5 years ago, we all remember the feelings we had as we watched the plane strike the second tower; as we slowly realized exactly what that meant. It’s an image that I certainly will never forget and one I don’t care to relive as the media attempts to make me do so. My memory is enough, thank you.
As I logged in this morning, the news, the blogs, the conversations all seem to revolve around that event. Where were you? What did you do? Did you loose anyone? How did you feel?
I too can tell you at length the horror, the fear, the emotion of that time for me. But I won’t. I have a different message for you today.
The message of my choice. The message of hope, faith, of change.
Most of you know about the things I was afforded as a child to see and witness. I wrote about some of them here. For many people, 9/11 was their first glimpse into the horrors that take place outside of America. For them 9/11 was more disturbing not only for the devastation and lives lost, but because it was the first time their naive sense of security was breached. A reminder that yes, even in America, we are not always safe. For me though, I’ve always known that there is no safe place. I’ve been afforded a glimpse into what other cultures have faced over time and currently.
I was reminded of something different, and it didn’t come on 9/11… it came a year later, when I actually visited Ground Zero.
When I was 15, I made my first trip to Dachau. You can read about the horrific lives and deaths of over 230,000 here. I walked out onto the role call clearing and stood in the place that so many had stood before and I remember distinctly the silence of that place. In the middle of a bustling city, this place was silent. As I stood there, imagining what those souls saw, felt, thought I looked around – straining to hear what they heard and I realized…. there just wasn’t anything to hear for me. It was like the moment I walked through those gates, everything outside of that place ceased to exist. There weren’t even any birds to be heard – almost as though they flew around this horrific place.
That was the impression I was left with – that for each of those souls, life stopped in that yard, in that place. And the horror to which it did. But when did it stop? I’m sure for each person, life ended differently. For some it was at their physical death, but more importantly, when did their soul die? Their hope? When did they lose faith. Because at the heart of it, what use are our physical lives, if we’ve lost hope? When the spirit dies, that is the true sorrow, the true horror.
I spent several years after that studying the process and impact of Nazi Germany. All of the world renowned scholars I had the opportunity to study with all left me with the same impression. As horrific as the human losses experienced by those oppressed by the regime, that loss was merely a step in the bigger goal. The demoralization and destruction of spirit that was desired. When a people stops hoping, trying… that is when true war is won.
That was what I remembered today when I read an entry made by a dear friend of mine (among many others with similar messages). It was post full of fear, regret, what ifs and defeat. THAT breaks my heart. What success a terrorist must have everytime someone is taken back to those moments – reliving the horror, the heartbreak. When such memories obsess our minds and souls and keep us from moving forward, keeping us from doing some thing or going some place. THAT is their success, more than any number of lives lost on 9/11/01. Their success on that day was miniscule to the success achieved evertime another life is kept from it’s hope, it’s potential, it’s living.
The day I visited Ground Zero, I found it eerie in similarities to Dachau. As I stood on the observation deck, I noticed – no birds flying. The deafening stillness of that place hits you like a wall. You start desparately looking for life anywhere to just avoid the reality. The stillness, the solitude is a stark reminder of the sheer horror of what occurred there.
And then you open your eyes, and you hear it, the city. Bustling, moving, loud and cacophonous. The sirens, the people, the sound. No, this place is not stopped. This life goes on. You notice the people walking by, who walk the same street everyday and seemingly have forgotten, moved on, ignored this atrocity.
But have they? I don’t believe so. I just feel that they’ve realized an important lesson that we, the visitor, may not have. This life goes on. You get up each day, placing one foot in front of the other not forgetting on what has happened, but focusing on what will happen.
I think of the people that died that day… those in the towers, on the ground, in the plane, even those commanding and executing the attacks. What did they feel? What did they think? What obsessed them in those last moments? Were they at peace, were they searching for a meaning, terrified at the prospect, or driven to avoid what lie in front of them? Were they, in those last moments, thinking of the what-ifs?
What a brutal reminder that our lives could end at any moment – that the lives of someone we love could end at any moment. That the lives of someone we hate could end at any moment.
In that moment, what would be your last thought? Could you be at peace? Would you know that those in your life knew you loved them? Would they understand what they meant to you? Would you regret any thing that you had the power to change? Would you know you had left a good impact on this world or would you feel sadness at your lack of impact, lack of contribution? Would you be secure in knowing what comes next?
So many things are beyond our control. If given a thought, the what-ifs of things we CAN’T control can quickly take over our thoughts. But there is one thing you CAN control. YOUR life. YOUR choices. You can control what you do now that will be your last thoughts then, no matter when then happens. Your peace in those moments, your joy at a life well lived and not wasted will be a success greater than any terrorist, devastation, or accident will ever have.
There is enough horror in this world to obsess you. So today, as the horror threatens to posess your thoughts, choose instead to turn that fear into purpose.
Make an impact. Contribute to the positive life force around you. Leave a mark. Leave love to all that cross your path.
Leave Life.
Your life is a gift. More precious and full of promise than any other in this world. Take it and use it today. So that no matter what comes tomorrow or the next, you can find peace, not fear.
And just to remind myself, I include my life goals as outlined on my thirtieth birthday:
1. Recognize that the keys are in God’s hands.
2. Love everyone as if it is the last moment I have with them.
3. Value life.
4. Crave experience and learning.
5. Utilize the gifts God has given me.
6. Continue to look for the good in people.
7. Give love freely and with no expectation or confinement.
8. Be responsible.
9. Be a role model
10. Be true to myself.
11. Embrace imperfections.
12. Accept friendship.
13. Wake up each day and ask myself, “What can I do today to appreciate all that God has given me? Run headfirst into this world God has set forth before me and let my children see what it truly means to live. What it truly means to love.”
30. There were moments that I never thought this day would come. It has represented so much for me; especially in the last several months. My mom and I had a long discussion tonight about what it means to be 30; what it meant to her. I’m realizing that where she was at 30 is so very similar to where I am now.
The last 10 years have been hard. So very hard. I’ve said many times I couldn’t wait for my thirties and people can’t believe it. They always say, “but you had your kids in your 20s, you got married, wasn’t all that good?” And although those were good THINGS, they happened during such hard TIMES. Hard times because I made them that way. Trying to learn how to get through this life, guided only by hardheadedness and pride; being given humility at every turn. We spend our entire life learning, but the lessons of the last ten years have been especially hard.
1. I give control over my life. If someone in my life controls me, it is because I allow them to. If someone’s opinion controls me, it is because I allow it to. I may try to control me, but rarely do I do a good job of it. Only God can truly guide me. I must give the control to him.
2. God made me for a purpose and no matter what I do or how I deviate from the path he desires for me, he will still be able to use me for that purpose.
3. I am not defined by my actions. I am defined by my intent. Change the intentions and the behavior will follow.
4. Responsibility is an honor. It is given to those who can handle it with the respect it deserves. It is taken from those that would squander it’s value.
5. No one in this world owes me anything. I owe no one else anything. Any time, effort or gift that is given is precisely that, a gift. I should value it as such. I should give of myself freely as gifts to those around me. It should never be expected by or of me. Gratefulness should be the second most abundent attribute in my personality; giving the first.
6. I am who I am. God made me that way with his divine purpose in mind, shortcomings and all. If I spend my time trying to be something that I am not, I do nothing but decieve those around me. I am robbing them from the opportunity to know me as God intended and robbing myself of the opportunity to truly know friendship, acceptance and understanding. It is ok to NOT be perfect. IMPERFECTION IS BEAUTIFUL.
A friend said to me tonight, “Nikki, we love you for who you are, not for who we want you to be.”
So, with these lessons securely under my belt, I embark on a whole new journey. I vow to:
1. Recognize that the keys are in God’s hands.
2. Love everyone as if it is the last moment I have with them.
3. Value life.
4. Crave experience and learning.
5. Utilize the gifts God has given me.
6. Continue to look for the good in people.
7. Give love freely and with no expectation or confinement.
8. Be responsible.
9. Be a role model
10. Be true to myself.
11. Embrace imperfections.
12. Accept friendship.
13. Wake up each day and ask myself, “What can I do today to appreciate all that God has given me? Run headfirst into this world God has set forth before me and let my children see what it truly means to live. What it truly means to love.”
I spent the morning at an old friend’s grave
Flowers and amazing grace
he was a good man
He spent his whole life spinnin his wheels
Never knowin how the real thing feels
He never took a chance or took the time to dance
And I stood there thinging as I said good-bye
TODAY’S THE FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF MY LIFEI’m gonna stop lookin back and start movin on
And learn how to face my fears
Love with all of my heart and make my mark
I wanna leave something here
Go out on a ledge without any net
That’s what I’m gonna be about
Yeah, I wanna be runnin when the sand runs out‘Cause people do it every day
Promise themselves they’re gonna change
I’ve been there
But I’m changin from the inside out
That was then and this is now
I’m a new man yeah, I’m a brand new man
And when they carve my stone they’ll write these words
Here lies a man who lived life
for all that it’s worthI’m gonna stop lookin back and start movin on
And learn how to face my fears
Love with all of my heart and make my mark
I wanna leave something here
Go out on a ledge without any net
That’s what I’m gonna be about
Yeah, I wanna be runnin when the sand runs out – Rascal Flatts, ”When the Sand Runs Out”
