My present submission to JPG Magazine’s Theme: Frozen. It’s a picture I took at my parent’s farm in Abilene, KS. I love that you can see the Barn and pasture fence in the reflection!
Frozen, from a Garden’s View
You can see all of the submissions to this JPG Theme here. My favorite in this theme is The Cold Path, by Pepjin Sauer
As I said in my previous post, there were several things that had a supreme impact on me this last Kansas trip. The funniest one? An evening where I was lucky my father didn’t shoot me with his shotgun. No listen, it’s actually a humourous story.
It was the end of the day and Bahram and I had gone back to the hotel. As usual for me in Kansas, I was all sorts of worked up in thought and heart; wanting to talk about the things I’d seen, heard and thought for the day. Bahram unfortunately wasn’t feeling well and no where up to talking about anything requiring thought. In my frustration but desire not to push him, I grabbed a blanket and told him I was going back to the farm for a bit – would be back later. Even though it was nearly midnight.
You see, there’s something about Kansas. It’s what makes it a necessary visit every year. Kansas has a sky that’s so vast and so beautiful. Literally, you stand on my parent’s porch and you see nothing on the entire horizon. No buildings, no roads, no power lines… just land and sky. Forever and ever. It’s something I’ve found no where else. I go there for some of the same reasons I go to the beach at night.
There’s something about beautiful vastness that makes you feel connected to creation. To be miniscule and yet still important is an important reminder to me. To know that the world is so huge and literally go on beyond my little life and issues reminds me that no matter what the issue at hand is, it’s not really that big of deal in the huge skeem of things. Similarly, it reminds you that in the midst of that vastness, you are important. To God, to the people in your life. God touches us, knows us, despite the fact that the world goes on forever. That for the people in your life – despite the expanse of land and people, it is YOU that they somehow have found important enough to fit into their lifepath. Whenever I start to feel lost, it’s here that I find my center.
So I drove as quietly as I could up the driveway, no lights, parking in the back (I knew everyone was in bed already). I took my blanket, found the spot between the feed lot and the house that had the clearest view of the sky, and laid down.
The sky was so beautiful. Clear and full of starts. Each one a brilliant shine against a stark black sky (you don’t really know what black is until you see the night sky without the glow of a city). Within 5 seconds, I saw a shooting star. I thought, “no way – I’ve never REALLY seen one clearly in my life. Can’t be. Must have been something else.” So I continued looking and in the next 2 minutes, there were two more. As alone as I was feeling on the drive out to the farm, I instantly had a connection – to that great vastness. I just laid there, letting it go. Putting it out there. Giving it all to God and peacefully listening and watching the glory of it all – the beauty and infinity of creation.
On the plane out to San Diego on my last trip, I read an article of things moms said that impacted their children. The one that stood out to me? A catholic mother, raising a daughter, repeatedly telling her “to go where you find God”, even if that led the daughter to an Episcapalian church. In the recent years, that’s where I’ve gone. I no longer feel the need to search for God in a building; instead, I find myself going where He is, where He reveals himself to me, where His glory seems the strongest. Where is that usually? The ocean. The sky above Kansas.
So there I was, in a field in Kansas, finding God when I was all alone. Giving it to him and allowing the peace I found there to take it all away for a minute.
Imagine my surprise, when my father looked out the back door going, “hello?”. Of course, you can’t sneak into a farm in the dead of night. When people only get two cars a day going by their house, they can hear one no matter what the time. I only found out later that I was lucky he realized it was me and put the gun away BEFORE he got too far into the yard.
He walked out and said, “Nikki… what are you doing here? Are you ok?” I just managed to mumble something about an article I read about going where you find God and that here, in the night sky, was where I found God. He was baffled at best. “Are you ok, do you need to talk?” “No Dad, I’m fine. I just needed some time.” I got back into the car to head back to the hotel in town. By this time, my mom was out, slippers and robe and all. “Do you need to stay? You can stay in the guest house if you need to.” “No, really I’m ok. I just needed to be by myself here. I’ll see you tomorrow”
They were pretty confused – especially my father. I don’t know if it surprised him that I would speak of searching for God, or that I would lay alone at night in the dark, or that I didn’t have some sob story to tell them of why I was out there. We didn’t speak of it again, so I still don’t know if he figured it out or even came close to understanding.
For once, I wasn’t sorry or embarrassed that I wasn’t looking for God in a Church. I know it’s been disappointing to my parents that I’m not an active member of a church family right now. I understand the value that companionship and fellowship provides in the church, but for me, I realized a few years ago that my relationship with God has to be about ME and GOD first and making that healthy has to be my first priority instead of just trying to go through the motions of what everyone else says makes a good Christian. So I’ve been “going where I find God” and feeling more whole because of it.
I was confident enough to tell my father that I was looking for God in the night sky and felt no need to justify or explain. It felt good to do that. For just that moment, I abandoned the “always trying to make sure my parents think what I do is ok” and just.was.myself. Freedom, I tell you. I can’t tell you what they thought, but I can tell you that maybe this was a connecting moment after what I found out the next day.
So tell me, where is it that you find God?
We all want to be heros in our children’s eyes. When you become a parent, there is just something that makes your chest puff up and make you happy to be you when you realize that to your kids, you are the strongest/richest/fastest/bestest person in the whole world.
Jon and I had a day like that yesterday.
Now, my kids have been around water since the day they were born. Having an indoor pool on the property at home in Ohio certainly helped their “fishdom” grow and they’ve all had swimming lessons. Colin is a very proficient swimmer and Ter and Jake can both doggie paddle, float and tred water should they ever get beyond their reach. It also helps that Jon is a certified lifeguard too. Needless to say, we spend a lot of time around the water.
We decided to go to Cocoa Beach yesterday since it was a holiday, we hadn’t been for a while and all the kids were begging. It was a great day to go. The heat was fairly mild (high 80s), the humidity was not down and due to the approaching storms/hurricanes, the surf was active. Unfortunately, since the surf was so active (due to the storms), the undertow was also pretty bad. So we instigated all the normal rules (basically, colin can’t go in past his waist and the other two, not past their thighs unless Mommy or Daddy is right with them). I set up the tent about 5 feet from water’s edge, so I could relax in the shade and still take pictures/watch the kids. It was great fun – especially for Jake. He LOVES getting washed around by the surf. He runs up to it, gets knocked down by the waves, drug back to the beach and then jumps up, covered in sand and smiling ear to ear. Literally, he will do this for 4 hours until I drag him kicking, screaming and physically exhausted back to the blanket. Yesterday was no different.
At one point in time, Jon had come back to the blanket to get a drink of water and we were sitting there, by the waters edge watching the boys. He had his eyes on Colin, who was further out, body boarding with the surfers (they were all over the place!); I was watching the little ones. I saw the big wave come up and crash over the head of Jacob. When the wave rushed back, I didn’t see Jacob where I expected to see him, but instead, his head popped up a good 10-12 feet back into the surf – a place where I knew he couldn’t reach. I saw his head pop up and down twice as he tried to find his footing and then when he couldn’t, he started spinning around (this is how he treads water when he can’t reach). Jon and I have an agreement. If we are together and one of the kids in the water needs help, I don’t move. I tell him and he goes for them. This is because he’s faster and knows how to do it and I need to stay the hell out of his way. So I said, “Jon, go get Jake” and pointed. Jon stood up and saw Jacob but I don’t think he realized the gravity of the situation. So I said in a more hurried voice, “GO NOW” (and by hurried I mean yelling).
Now for being a little overweight, I will tell you that Jon does baywatch proud. I’ve never seen him move so fast in my life. He got from my side to Jacob in less than 3 seconds, full dive into the waves and all.
He brought Jake back to the blanket and set him down next to me because according to Jon, as soon as he got to him Jake said, “take me to mommy”. *heart strings* It was nice to hear that when he was frightened, it was me he asked for. Jake was ok, not coughing or anything since he really didn’t go under, but you could tell he’d been scared. He sat, rather serious next to me, but not upset. I hugged him and looked at him and said “are you ok Jacob?”. He looked me in the eye and just said, “My Daddy saved me”. I tried to not cry and just replied, “yes, he did. And you remember that no matter what, if you need help, Mommy and Daddy will always be there to save you.”
His seriousness lasted all of about 5 minutes and was quickly replaced by a Capri Sun and piece of candy. He ran back to play in the waves as soon as Mommy’s anxiety would give in.
But for the rest of the day, Jacob wanted to tell everyone how his Daddy saved him. In the elevator at Ron Jons, he told the guy next to him, “My Daddy saved me”. To the little boy playing in the sand next to him, “My Daddy saved me”. To me when I tucked him into bed, “My daddy saved me.”
I know that Jon and I may not be there someday when Jacob needs us; but for now, I will do everything I can to make sure that doesn’t happen. And knowing that in Jake’s heart he can be secure in knowing that his daddy will save him means my world is also a little more secure today.
Because at the heart of it, isn’t that what we all want? Just to know that when push comes to shove, “my daddy will save me” and that when push comes to shove, if you are daddy (or mommy), that you can.
