Nikki Jo: Woman, mother, daughter, sister, divorcee, careerwoman, jogger, girlfriend, blogger, futures trader, photographer, writer, consumer, cook, traveler, lover and general enjoyer of life. I struggle, I excel, I achieve normalcy somewhere in between (can you call this normal?). But one thing is for certain – living “the” American dream and trying to do it all is not easy.

Currently, I live in Orlando, Florida with my three sons. I recently made a huge lifestyle change, leaving my corporate project management job to work at home as a futures trader – being near my boys and pursuing some dreams of mine (writing, photography, etc.).  My ex-husband lives here with us and we share parent our children (equal time with both parents).  No, it’s not your typical divorce situation, but it is what makes all of us happy.

As much as life has changed in the last 4 years, I can’t wait to see what the next four will bring us all.

From my first journal, dated February 14th, 2005:

I said this this morning is someone else’s journal and it struck me as obvious. How can we say things to others when we’ve missed them so long in ourselves? So I’m putting it here, lest I forget….

“I do understand. I’ve spent the last 7 years of my life feeling exactly that way. I think the problem arises when we decide to pound ourselves into the right shape to fit that spot. We end up breaking off all the pieces that make us who we are in an effort to fit where we want to be. In the end we are broken halves of who we used to be, finding that we still don’t quite fit.

You are perfect the way you are. God designed you that way. You will fit. You will not be odd man out. You will wake up one day and be amazed at how you missed it for so long.

Of course, it would be nice if God would just provide a glaring neon sign that says “YOU BELONG HERE”, complete with road map and optional OnStar assistance for when we get lost. And snacks. Must have lots of snacks.”

The last few years have been a long road. My life has changed in many ways, but along the way I’ve learned who I am; who I’ve always been but didn’t always recognize.

Welcome to my sacred place. Where I explore my thoughts, emotions, curiosities, desires and dreams. I am flighty, obstinate, afraid, over-confident, angry, joyous, anxious, grieving, celebratory, experimental, ever changing and ever the same.

I can promise that you will get to know pieces of me but you will never know all of me.

Enjoy.

My close friends should already know all of this, but to help out my new friends:

I love roses. Stark, dripping, blood red ones and crisp, clean, pure white ones. My hedge is comprised of the two and it is the stark contrast of the two colors that I adore. My favorite bush is called “Snowfire”. Each pristine petal is scarlet red from above and snowwhite from underneath. I can’t think of a more intriguing flower.

My comfort foods? A half pound chunk of Brie, a three foot long french baguette and a whole bottle of chilled Riesling from Traben Trabach. Pop in a romcom, turn down the lights and let me cry my heart out. Also good for such nights: Edy’s Rocky Road ice cream or Ben and Jerry’s Coconut Chocolate Chip Macadamia Nut. Champagne Truffles from Godiva. My favorite meal? A blackened New York Strip Steak, handcut french fries and a good, meaty, french merlot.

I have this thing. My panties and my bra HAVE to match. New, clean and matching. And if they aren’t, I walk around, sure that everyone KNOWS. They can SEE my laziness at not searching for the pair that not only match each other but also my outfit of the day. My mother’s voice rings true in my ears… “what if you get into a car wreck and have to go to the ER? Your doctor could be really cute – you know those ER docs always are and then wouldn’t you be embarrassed?”

I love shoes. LOVE them. I would own 400 pair if I had the space and money for them. All pumps. Nothing makes you feel sexier than a good pair of f*-me pumps.

Fine items are meant to be used. I adore china and crystal. My mom and I traveled Europe, collecting crystal and I make a point to use these pieces nearly everyday. My friends laugh because everytime they are here, I dig out the china, no matter how trivial the visit. And I’m sure they are sick and tired of hearing about the goblets I found in East Berlin in ‘84. Or that trip to Prague in ‘93 where we came home with a haul – gotta love the exchange rate. “Where is the last token glass from that set – oh, here it is. Let me get you some wine.” What good is a beautiful thing if you never use it for it’s designed purpose?

Cooking and baking are comfort to my spirit. You will rarely have a conversation with me that will not in some way come around to food. And if you are someone I care about, I will cook for you. Accept it. Enjoy it. It is my surest way to show my love. So if you come home one day and find a beautiful cake on your counter with no note attached. Sorry, it was me. Yes, I broke into your house. But you don’t mind too much, now do you?

I adore restaurants. The memorable kind. My mom and I always say that we “ate our way through Europe”. We remember where we were by what we had to eat there. So many favorite places. So many great memories. Most associated with good food and good friends. I don’t know what it is about sitting around the perfect table at a cozy restaurant with people whose company you enjoy, drinking a wonderful bottle of wine and sampling food from everyone’s plates. Laughter and peace abounds for those few hours. Those places that will let you sit there for three hours. The waitress keeps your drink faithfully full, just as your friends do for your spirit.

I can and I quilt. Two arts I learned from different Grandmothers that I hold dear to my heart. Like some evidence of a dying generation; priceless and fading. There’s something about snuggling up on the couch, wrapped up in an item that took someone dear to you 200 hours to make with those hands you only wish you could hold again. My only fear? That I will not have a daughter to which I can pass these arts down to.

Wanna know a silly little secret? I read cookbooks. For fun. You will catch me on a summer day, kids playing outside, me stretched out on a quilt in the yard with my favorite… “The Seduction of Rice” by Jeffrey Alford. If you love me…. buy me a cookbook. If I love you, I will cook you something out of it.

My children are the most important things in my life. Every decision I make revolves around them. I have never known happiness even close to what I feel each time one of them says, “I love you”. Or that look Jacob gets in his eyes when I come home. Priceless. Nothing compares. I can’t think of any greater gift or responsibility in this lifetime than to be given a life to sculpt and grow. My children are a blessing.

Speaking of. Don’t mess with my family. Or anyone I care about. I’m a push over. People can do whatever they like to me. But the minute you attack someone who matters to me, watch out. I am a baracuda and you can’t spell personality change before I tear your heart out. I have no qualms about it. You hurt them emotionally. I make you cry. Physically hurt them and you will bleed. Or worse. Sounds perfectly fair to me.

I learn. I will forever be learning. For the rest of my life, I will chase my fascinations in order to utilize this amazing mind that God has blessed all of us with. I want to be challenged. I want to know with each new morsel that there are ten more things out there waiting for me to discover.

Hand in hand with learning is traveling. I am obsessed with walking the steps that were walked a millenium or two ago. Touching the relics of times past and feeling the emotion still contained there. For as long as there is breath in my lungs, I will be a traveler.

I am a woman. I am soft, feminine, beautiful, intelligent, graceful. I like being a woman. I like being treated like a woman. I like my doors opened for me. I like someone else to uncork the wine. I like to have my bath poured for me. Bring the car around and pick me up at the door. Win me silly teddy bears at the fair. Buy me flowers, jewelry and pretty, silky, sexy things. Tell me I’m the only woman on this earth that takes your breath away. Pick me up and carry me to the bedroom. Make sure to catch every tear. I am a woman. You are a man. Don’t be afraid of that. God created us that way for a reason. He made me for your pleasure. To be enjoyed, valued and adored as the completion of your truest self.

I am continually amazed at God’s faithfullness and grace. I fully believe that he has a desired path for us. But unfortunately, we sometimes make bad decisions. And yet, he always brings us back. He always gives us another chance. For that, I am eternally grateful. I only pray that as I get older, I search more urgently for that path and try to follow it as closely as I can.

My life goals as outlined on my thirtieth birthday:
1. Love everyone as if it is the last moment I have with them.
2. Value life.
3. Crave experience and learning.
4. Utilize the gifts God has given me.
5. Continue to look for the good in people.
6. Give love freely and with no expectation or confinement.
7. Be responsible.
8. Be a role model
9. Be true to myself.
10. Embrace imperfections.
11. Accept friendship.
12. Wake up each day and ask myself, “What can I do today to appreciate all that God has given me? Run headfirst into this world God has set forth before me and let my children see what it truly means to live. What it truly means to love.”