30. There were moments that I never thought this day would come. It has represented so much for me; especially in the last several months. My mom and I had a long discussion tonight about what it means to be 30; what it meant to her. I’m realizing that where she was at 30 is so very similar to where I am now.

The last 10 years have been hard. So very hard. I’ve said many times I couldn’t wait for my thirties and people can’t believe it. They always say, “but you had your kids in your 20s, you got married, wasn’t all that good?” And although those were good THINGS, they happened during such hard TIMES. Hard times because I made them that way. Trying to learn how to get through this life, guided only by hardheadedness and pride; being given humility at every turn. We spend our entire life learning, but the lessons of the last ten years have been especially hard.

1. I give control over my life. If someone in my life controls me, it is because I allow them to. If someone’s opinion controls me, it is because I allow it to. I may try to control me, but rarely do I do a good job of it. Only God can truly guide me. I must give the control to him.

2. God made me for a purpose and no matter what I do or how I deviate from the path he desires for me, he will still be able to use me for that purpose.

3. I am not defined by my actions. I am defined by my intent. Change the intentions and the behavior will follow.

4. Responsibility is an honor. It is given to those who can handle it with the respect it deserves. It is taken from those that would squander it’s value.

5. No one in this world owes me anything. I owe no one else anything. Any time, effort or gift that is given is precisely that, a gift. I should value it as such. I should give of myself freely as gifts to those around me. It should never be expected by or of me. Gratefulness should be the second most abundent attribute in my personality; giving the first.

6. I am who I am. God made me that way with his divine purpose in mind, shortcomings and all. If I spend my time trying to be something that I am not, I do nothing but decieve those around me. I am robbing them from the opportunity to know me as God intended and robbing myself of the opportunity to truly know friendship, acceptance and understanding. It is ok to NOT be perfect. IMPERFECTION IS BEAUTIFUL.

A friend said to me tonight, “Nikki, we love you for who you are, not for who we want you to be.”

So, with these lessons securely under my belt, I embark on a whole new journey. I vow to:

1. Recognize that the keys are in God’s hands.
2. Love everyone as if it is the last moment I have with them.
3. Value life.
4. Crave experience and learning.
5. Utilize the gifts God has given me.
6. Continue to look for the good in people.
7. Give love freely and with no expectation or confinement.
8. Be responsible.
9. Be a role model
10. Be true to myself.
11. Embrace imperfections.
12. Accept friendship.

13. Wake up each day and ask myself, “What can I do today to appreciate all that God has given me? Run headfirst into this world God has set forth before me and let my children see what it truly means to live. What it truly means to love.”

I spent the morning at an old friend’s grave
Flowers and amazing grace
he was a good man
He spent his whole life spinnin his wheels
Never knowin how the real thing feels
He never took a chance or took the time to dance
And I stood there thinging as I said good-bye
TODAY’S THE FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF MY LIFE

I’m gonna stop lookin back and start movin on
And learn how to face my fears
Love with all of my heart and make my mark
I wanna leave something here
Go out on a ledge without any net
That’s what I’m gonna be about
Yeah, I wanna be runnin when the sand runs out

‘Cause people do it every day
Promise themselves they’re gonna change
I’ve been there
But I’m changin from the inside out
That was then and this is now
I’m a new man yeah, I’m a brand new man
And when they carve my stone they’ll write these words
Here lies a man who lived life
for all that it’s worth

I’m gonna stop lookin back and start movin on
And learn how to face my fears
Love with all of my heart and make my mark
I wanna leave something here
Go out on a ledge without any net
That’s what I’m gonna be about
Yeah, I wanna be runnin when the sand runs out – Rascal Flatts, ”When the Sand Runs Out”